I hate this. I hate it when you feel hysterical, you can’t stop crying and you just sit there thinking you’re not good enough. I hate how deep down there’s always something eating away at you or something you can’t tell anyone. I won’t eat, I won’t drink and I can’t sleep. I just cry and pretend everything is okay and that I’m not scared of anything and everything thrown in my way.
Nothing makes sense and I can’t stand feeling so lost. People tell me not to be negative and focus on all the good things, but everything good just gets ripped away. I hate how I can’t breathe and I feel like I’m drowning and there’s no one there to stop me from going under.
Everything hurts and I feel like I’m alone. Sometimes, I’m not even sure I want to be here anymore. All I do is spend my time thinking and worrying about the day ahead. I clock watch and count down every second until I can get home and just hide away in my bedroom.
I should be proud that I’ve done this all by myself. Left my bedroom, left my house, got help and even started going out by myself. College was the biggest step for me and one of the hardest. But it’s just not fun. I hate it. No one understand me and I feel like an outsider.
My counsellor left. Yeah, another person fucked off. Not surprised really. It hurts so much when people are there for you everyday, to see all your progress and tell you how proud they are of you. And then they just.. go. I see that it’s just what she was payed to do, now.
It shouldn’t be this hard just to get up in the morning. I should be having fun and out every week with my friends. But I don’t see the point. I don’t see the appeal. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Everytime I look in the mirror I feel like I’m looking back at a stranger. So many people have turned out to be using me and lying to me, I wonder what would happen if I just left or walked away from everything. Would anyone even care or miss me?
Most of all, I hate how people make you feel special and beautiful one day, and like nothing the next. The worst feeling in the world is being unwanted and how all you do is annoy people and make their lives worse. I don’t want to feel this way. I just want things to feel normal and to look forward to what life brings my way. I don’t want to be this person.
